Pregnancy, BPD and smoking

“I went out there and was met with a nightmare vision: my girlfriend, with her pregnant belly and a lit cigarette in her mouth.”

The other day I was hanging out with a new friend. He was telling me that his longest relationship had been with a BPD woman. He told me that no one has the power to withstand the negativity of someone with BPD. “These people are survivors,” he said. “They will put on an emotional show, but if they see that it doesn’t work, they will retract and go into survival mode.”

He was telling me that I shouldn’t buy an apartment with my girlfriend out of guilt. He said that I didn’t owe her anything. He said that I obviously don’t feel like doing it, so I shouldn’t let myself be bullied into it.

On the other hand I do feel like I owe something, since I’m having a baby with her.

It was the night before my girlfriend would sign the papers to sell her own apartment, and my friend was telling me that the universe was giving me this chance and that it wasn’t a coincidence that we were sitting there talking exactly then.

My girlfriend called and said she had lost the keys to the apartment and asked if I was home. I wanted to ask her to come join us but she said she was so tired and she just needed to get in now and sleep. I said I would pay and come. But my friend kept talking very convincingly. I stayed for a little bit more and then a little bit more. In the end I stayed quite long.

When I did get a taxi and came home, she was waiting outside the building. I had told her to wait in the cafe beside the building but she had waited on the street instead. She was shaking with rage.

We went upstairs and she went into hysterics. I realised it was my fault for being late, but also that I’m completely mind-scrambled from this situation. She shouted and threw things around. Then she covered her pregnant belly and went out, saying that she was going to buy cigarettes.

If this had been during the first two years of the relationship I would have run after her. But now I know she feeds on that, and that it is a power game. I didn’t believe that she would really buy cigarettes. So I stayed home. She came home about 20 minutes later only holding a water bottle. I breathed a sigh of relief.

But she continued the drama, with lots of negative energy (but less overt violence than she used to because she knows that my new policy is to leave when she gets really violent. Suffice it to say I didn’t sleep much that night, and the next day she told me to move out. I didn’t take that very seriously, because she’s told me this hundreds of times.

She didn’t answer messages that day. When I came home in the evening, she started a new argument. I started packing my bag to go down to the local cafe and do a bit of work.

When I had finished packing my bag, I noticed that it was very quiet. The light was on on the balcony. I hadn’t seen it on for months, since before we found out she was pregnant, and she stopped smoking. I opened the door to the balcony. There she was, looking out onto the street. But I was certain she couldn’t be smoking. Still, it smelt like tobacco smoke. I went out there and was met with a nightmare vision: my girlfriend, with her pregnant belly and a lit cigarette in her mouth.

I thought about taking the cigarette from her, but as a borderline she has a certain investment in causing accidents. And I didn’t want to risk a scuffle with her in her condition on the balcony. But I found the pack of cigarettes and her lighter, and pushed them over the edge so they fell down on the street. Then I went into the kitchen and poured out all the alcohol I could find. Then I made her promise not to smoke again. She first protested violently then reluctantly agreed.

The fact that she can be so vehement and then flip over to the opposite opinion illustrates the point made in a previous post, Borderlines without Boundaries.





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